Monday, August 31, 2015

Finals Stew

Don't have a lot of time to spend on dinner? Try this speedy recipe for a hearty stew. Sure to stick to your ribs and help you sail through finals.

Serves: 106
Cooking time: 1 week
Skill level: Easy
Dietary Considerations: Kosher

1. In a large cast iron skillet mix two parts abject self loathing with one part denial. Bring to a boil and cover.

2. While that's cooking, stir together 4 Chipotle burritos, 6 chips you found on the floor of your car, the blood of the guy who is talking on his phone in the library and 6 Venti drip coffees. Slowly mix in half a bottle of Pepto Bismol to taste.

3. Chop dreams finely and add to wine- drink while cooking for best results.

4. Add candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup to skillet. Insulin optional.

5. Pour 1/3 of a cup of tears into denial/self loathing mixture and swirl while complaining.

6. Grease baking sheet with blood, sweat, tears and syllabus pages 394-471.

7. Allow ingredients to stew in their own regret and shameless procrastination.

8. Remove from stove and transfer to oven for the length of 3 episodes of The Bachelor in Paradise.

9.  Garnish with the dust of white board pens.

10. Serve